It's Friday....

This post is not glamorous or funny or cute, it's completely, entirely for me to put my thoughts on paper so I can move forward.  I also want my family to understand where I'm coming from and what my feelings are at this time in our hectic lives. I want them to understand how much I truly love them.

As I am sitting here at work, an indescribable panic comes over me. Nothing is wrong that I know of, I just feel I'm not doing enough to teach and prepare my children for this crazy world we live in nor do I feel that I ever get to spend real quality time with my family.  I don't feel like there is ever enough time to say all the things I want to say to them and I'm sure they don't want to hear my mushiness. Right now, Tyler and Kanon are both struggling in one subject each and I so want to fix it for them. I have just emailed teachers to hopefully open up the lines of communication.  As my children get older, it's harder to be involved with school and the teachers rely on the children to communicate to parents any problems or concerns.  Thank goodness for powerschool! Also,  Kanon didn't pitch as well last night as he could have and I want to fix it for him.  That's my problem, I want to fix the problems of those I love.  But, it's not always my place to fix it.  Sometimes they need to take responsibility.  That what I tell myself, but then I feel inadequate as a parent because I haven't instilled in them that drive to take that responsibility.   Last Sunday, I had a mom meltdown and I am determined to try and keep from doing that again.  Sometimes, its the only way to get their attention.  They have to see me upset to realize I am not this "mom robot" here to serve them, but I am also someone with feelings.  Let me end this part with ...."This post is completely and utterly confusing and disorganized"..Hang in there with me.

I also feel distant from Church.  With all the extra curricular things our family is involved in, we have put going to church every Sunday on pause.  It's so easy to say..."that's our only day to rest".  My desire and plan is to change that way of thinking for our family, or at least for myself.  I have to confess....I received an email from our youth leader at Church this week asking if I could teach Sr High on Sunday and I said yes.  I didn't say yes because I really wanted to, I said yes because I knew making that commitment would make me get the children out the door for Church on Sunday.  Yes....I am ashamed of that!  I want to be that "perfect" Godly wife, mother and friend but I am imperfect and need God's guidance on a minute by minute basis.  I have so many things to be thankful for and I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams, but I so desire a deeper closeness with my savior.  Now that I have a full-time business, there were things I needed to cut out of my busy schedule.  One of the things I told myself I didn't have time for was my weekly bible study.  Yep... you guessed it...I cut out the wrong thing.  I knew that then and I know that now.

I feel like we are off track.  even though things are going good, I still feel uneasy and off track.  Help me Lord, get back on track.  Help me to make worshiping you a priority in my life.  I need to be a better role model for my children in my walk with you.  You see, last Sunday when I was busy having my meltdown...we should have been at Church.  We were not! We were not there because Don was out of town and I chose for us to stay home and rest.  A minister was on television at the very same time saying the words" if we do not make worshiping God a priority in our house our children will learn not to make him a priority".  I felt about 2 inches tall and it's been weighing heavily on me this week.  But as usual our schedule has been busy and our evenings full of homework, chores, planning ahead, laundry, practices, pick up/drop off that I haven't even had time to share last Sundays experience with my husband. I want to get past all of the superficial junk and get to have real conversations with my family and get to share real quality time with them. But first I need to make my time with God a priority not just a 5 minute prayer as I end my day or before meals.

God never lets us down and I constantly let him down.  I want to get to that place of peace with him and with my family.  With four children, something is always going on and I pray for strength and wisdom. Help me be that Godly woman my husband and children can be proud of. I want to be that mother that my children love unconditionally as adults.